It is important that you consider the form you are being asked to write in and the audience you are writing for. There are subtle differences in the form of web article and newspaper article and these would be conventions that you would be expected to follow.
Don't worry about spending time thinking up a headline or title (these are not wholly necessary) but think about the variation in tone you might have for your purpose.
As with all writing you need to remember your five key areas:
But also think about the writing MOT you've received:
Your grammatical expression as well as spelling are important too.
The top band for the creativity of your writing states your writing needs to be:
Subtle and Manipulative
You can achieve this with juxtaposition of language or juxtaposition of tone:
1) A mixture of both formal and 'informal language for effect' (notice the inverted commas around the latter part; informal language must be used for effect and often inverted commas can point this out to the examiner).
2) Varying the tone of your paragraph - mixing serious points and silly images.
Your task is:
You have been asked to write a online article for a website that publishes people's adventurous experiences.
Describe an adventurous activity you have taken part in and explain how it made you feel.
Good Luck
Mr Milne
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Sky-high:
Oh yes, that was the day - the stench of fluffy, cotton candy lingering through the air, the turbulent roars of the bustling crowds and then me. Yes, that was day I made yet another, hopeful visit to Thorpe Park.
But it wasn't too bad.
The day:
Early morning light had sliced its way through the blinds, castling jewel-like rays to light up the psychedelic green and purple walls. Even the light seemed more hopeful than me. I had persuaded myself to not stand around aimlessly, while my friends soared to extreme heights above the ground, for a reason I did not seem to know. "I am going to go on a ride," I replayed in my head, like a broken record. I knew I would; or else, I hoped I would.
The coach started off pleasantly enough. Listening to Katy Perry's 'Roar' had only left me inspired to express my inner-boldness, like a tiger, today. But don't be too hopeful. Those were my usual feelings before arriving. But then, I was still determined - I was going to go on a ride today. But then Emily was sick. That was my ride done!
And then we arrived...
That funfair-like sound got louder and louder, as the occasional blast of icy wind caused the images of last year's visit to replay in my head, like a horror movie. I scanned my ticket and entered this alien world, where - apparently - I was meant to have fun.
As soon as we were in, Liam ran to the left, Josh to the right and Harry just wanted to walk straight into a lamppost. Eventually, we went left. Little did I know death was approaching - Stealth: 80 mph, 215 feet high, what was there to be afraid of? Everything! Like any person that wanted to keep their dignity, and not have a picture taken of their hairs standing up, face squashed inwards and what more, I gave this one a miss. There were always other rides.
Then I missed the next, the one after that one and all the ones until the fun was over.
Did I say it went better this time? It actually went worse. You see, I didn't go on a ride this time, but just wait another 365 days - you'll have another one of my magnificent adventures to Thorpe Park to read about.
Note: I will definitely be going on a ride next time!
I like the premise of this piece of writing you've got a lot of variety in here which is great. Have a look at your sentence starters from this paragraph:
The coach started off pleasantly enough. Listening to Katy Perry's 'Roar' had only left me inspired to express my inner-boldness, like a tiger, today. But don't be too hopeful. Those were my usual feelings before arriving. But then, I was still determined - I was going to go on a ride today. But then Emily was sick. That was my ride done!
I'm not sure if this is intentional or not but it doesn't quite work.
Top Band writing suggests you should be 'manipulative and subtle' in your writing. I'd like to see you try and vary the tone of your paragraphs or mix in some informal language for effect. You could also try to mislead the audience and reveal the truth of your experience at the end.
I'd give this 8/10 for the content and 5/6 for the accuracy ( a few more unusual words spelled correctly would get you your top marks for accuracy).
Well done.
Mr Milne
I placidly plunged into purgatory. By that I mean one foot slipped in, coyly the second followed, I am then dunked in fully by an impatient father.
Shivers creep up my tense limbs-for me this is a ‘hell like’ adventure, one I am not ready for. Therefore you can come to the conclusion that I am not the daredevil kind.
Pop. That was my ears gone as I dived further into the abyss.
Nevertheless the utopia that awaits us is spectacular; not even I can deny that. Furthermore I was actually started to enjoy the garden of sea life. Benevolent fish circled the reef and dipped in and out of coral; I even began to swim closer to them.
However the fickle coral is not meant to be touched and before I gave in to its slippery nature my dad dragged me on. I had nearly caved in to the serpent of the sea.
So my fears had returned despite the paradise. The sea was a façade of heavenly fish and sea plants. You can explore the depths but must be careful of the currents and deadly demons.
I thought about this as my throat croaked against the pressure of my mask. My heavy breathing due to the fear rippling through me was what caused the darfvader type sounds against my mask. A giant fish was approaching.
But do not fear this article was actually written by me so a ferocious shark didn’t ‘gobble’ me up for dinner.
Personally I think my time spent swimming in the sea was a bitter sweet adventure. No matter how much it compared to the fear swimming in lava gives so many.
is this okay.
Well written with a range of high level vocabulary. Be careful with this though, don't force a more unusual word in when you wouldn't normally do so.
You need to look at the punctuation of your second sentence and variety of punctuation overall. There are opportunities to show you can use a wider range.
I'm not sure I understand your lava reference of your last line.
9/10 5/6
Well done.
Mr Milne
Thank you sir. When you say different puntuation what other punctuation is there that I could use?
Also is the second sentence better now? 'By that I mean one foot slipped in. Coyly the second followed. I am then dunked in fully by an impatient father.'
Is it better now i am just using full stops. Thanks.
The full stops work a lot better in that sentence. You could also use a semi colon between the first and connect the 2nd and 3rd with and.
Question mark, exclamation mark, dash.
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