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Festive Exam practice Question 6

"If you want to experience all of the successes and pleasure in life, you have to be willing to accept all the pain and failure that comes with it."

You have been asked to write an article for the real life section of the newspaper arguing for or against people participating in Extreme Sports.

(24 Marks) 35 Minutes - You must try to write 2 or more pages.

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Anonymous
3 January 2013 at 08:15

All of the successes and pleasures in life, you always have to keep trying to get to them. But by succeeding there will always be the failure behind it .

As you can never succeeded if you don't fail to try it. Failure is not a bad matter, it can always get you where you want to be in life. If you fail one time don't give up hope, by all the failures you will have you will get a success out of it.

In extreme sports i don't think it right for
people to do that, as they will keep hurting themselves. Extreme sports may be something that mostly boys are in to because they don't mind hurting themselves.

All boys that do extreme sports end up hurting themselves to the extreme they do this like extreme sports to look good in front of their friends, or even to show of to the girls.

But it may not always work that way, a boy could be trying to show off and then do something really extreme and hurt themselves in front of the girls and that will put them off.

Extreme sports is not a very good thing to do even though there might be some success there will always be failures.

By Yasmin

Lauren Parslow
4 January 2013 at 02:29

Firstly, what is an extreme sport? I think its the rush the sport brings to you and the act of bravery the sportsman shows you.
What would we do without some extreme in our lives?
We'd have no fun!
Extreme sports is a whole different story, but would you rather die knowing you've lived to the fullest doing what you love? Or regretting what you could of tried?
As an extreme sport spectator, I couldn't be any more for Extreme Sports. It's adrenaline pumping, you've constantly got the feel of goosebumps in your skin and butterflies flying madly in your stomach. It's that which is what the extreme people crave, the rush when you hear the burning of race fuel and rubber, and when those engines scream it's like music to your ears.
Extreme sports for me is racing, no way could I live without it.
Without the rush of extreme there wouldn't be a sport. You cannot be against extreme sports, because then you would be explaining them all. The less extreme the sport in your opinion can still be extreme. Lets take gymnastics: You prance around on a mat... What's extreme about this? Well, what if the gymnast slips? She or he could badly hurt themselves. That's not the only factor of extreme in the sport. Other sports can be more clearer to being extreme, Speedway for example. 500cc engines and no brakes. That just sounds extreme!
You cannot take out people from entering extreme sports, every sport is to the extreme in its on ways. So therefore without it there would be no sport.

4 January 2013 at 11:23

Yas - your first two paragraphs are put together very well but the writing unravels a bit when you begin to talk about extreme sports.

Remember that you are creating an argument so should be using devices like Triadic Structure, Rhetorical Question etc (see the macarena post earlier in the blog 'Festive Quesiton 6'. You must pack your writing full of devices throughout.

For Creativity this would get around 8 out of 16.

Accuracy -

You are comma splicing quite a lot in your last four paragraphs. Try only using commas in lists or where there are subordinators (you can google a list of those).

The sentence: ' All boys that do extreme sports end up hurting themselves to the extreme they do this like extreme sports to look goof in front of their friends or even to show of to the girls.' should read:

'All boys that do extreme sports end up hurting themselves to extremes. They do this to look good in front of their friends or even to show off to girls.'

Overall this would get you 3/8 which would give you a total of 11/24

Try one of the other questions 6 and do a little plan before hand.

6 Paragraphs - each paragraph should have two devices in it and contain either a 1 word / 2 word / 3 word sentence. The paragraph should use one new piece of punctuation each time.

Once you have done that then write the answer. People who plan always get better marks than people who don't.

4 January 2013 at 11:31

Lauren - your opening is well constructed but I think you've then rushed your ending. Re-read some of the last section and see if it makes the points that you wanted it to:

'Without the rush of extreme there wouldn't be a sport. You cannot be against extreme sports, because then you would be explaining them all. The less extreme the sport in your opinion can still be extreme. Lets take gymnastics: You prance around on a mat... What's extreme about this? Well, what if the gymnast slips? She or he could badly hurt themselves. That's not the only factor of extreme in the sport. Other sports can be more clearer to being extreme, Speedway for example.'

There are lots of little sections in this that don't quite read in the way you'd want them to.

You do use a range of devices and a range of sentence paragraph lengths so would gain 9/16 marks for creativity. If you sorted the last section out you could gain another 2 or so.


Accuracy:

As you can see with some bits not quite making sense, you'd lose some accuracy marks too. Be careful with the agreement of your sentences:

'Extreme Sports is a whole different story' should be 'Extreme Sports are a whole different story' if the subject is plural the verb is becomes are.

There are also a few comma splices in here - remember you should be trying to use semi-colons and colons so avoid commas unless in a list or a sentence with a subordinator in it.

Accuracy mark -4/8 Overall 13/24

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